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Great Expectations

Great Expectations

Expectations are part of our everyday life.  Each day we rise facing expectations we have of ourselves and those from others such as co-workers, bosses, significant others, children and even our pets.   Expectations can be a tricky thing.

This past Sunday was Mother’s Day, a very special day to honor those women who have provided us with care, guidance and nurturing throughout our lives.  I had a great day wishing the wonderful mothers I know a happy day as well as receiving wishes from my children and friends.  I also reflected on the early influences my mother had on me as a young girl and the expectations that were set, or not set. 

I was raised by a mother whose expectations went sort of like this: 1.) You should never marry a man to take care of you; be damn prepared to take care of yourself; and 2.) You will never except hand-outs; if you want or need something, you earn it.   Her expectations never involved education (something I had to pay for myself) or a career.  Her expectations were about being self-sufficient and not surprising from someone who was raised in an orphanage for most of her childhood. 

Since I was 17 years-old, I have maintained a full-time job with no lapses in employment.  That includes working full-time with small children, while putting myself through college to obtain my bachelor’s degree.  The only extended time I took off was for maternity leave with amounted to about 6 weeks each time.  I was the main financial support for the family so I had to return as quickly as possible for the financial sake of the family. 

I set my own expectations on top of that to be as successful as I possibly could, both academically and professionally.  I also expected that I would be a loving and nurturing mother, who financially provided for the welfare of my children.

This week is a considerable milestone for me.  Now 34 years since starting full-time employment, I am about to embark on a different path, a path in which I “officially” don’t work.  Not retirement, but a break.  While exciting, this is a HUGE transition in terms of daily life and expectations!  I’m still not completely convinced I’ve earned this break! I’ve programmed myself to evaluate myself professionally in terms of the work I’ve produced and the contributions I’ve made to the organizations I’ve worked for over the years.  I’ve programmed myself to evaluate myself personally in terms of how self-sufficient I am and by how well I can financially assist my family.   What if I fail to be self-sustaining?!    

So I find myself needing to reset and rethink the expectations I have of myself.  I also feel I’m disappointing friends and family with this decision.  Most often when I’ve told people I quit my job, the looks have gone directly to my significant other.  I felt they were looking to see if he was in approval of my decision……………..and OK with supporting me.  Yikes!  I’m certain those weren’t their thoughts, but my own concern that I was not meeting my own expectations.   I found myself fearing that I was a woman who was going to marry a man to take care of her.   I’m not judging that approach, but I definitely wouldn’t be getting the approval of my mother.

It’s very interesting how expectations of you set by our parents, especially our mothers (for us women) can impact your entire life.   While I’m waiting here to plot my next path, I’m going to spend some time reevaluating and redefining my own expectations for myself.   

Who Should Take The Minutes?

A few years ago, I was in a meeting with 5 men to establish a new committee of the organization I worked for at the time.  I was a senior-vice president and was equal or above the men in terms of corporate title.   Our agenda (that I had voluntarily put together in advance of the meeting) focused on relevant issues related to the establishment of a committee including the committee’s purpose, who should be represented on the committee, roles and responsibilities of members, meeting frequency and timing of the first committee meeting. 

Early in the meeting, one of my colleagues suggested we should be taking minutes of our discussion in the off-chance we were asked to provide documentation by the Internal Audit Department.  Out of an abundance of caution, we all agreed this would be a good idea.  At that point, it happened!  All 5 men in the meeting looked at me and appeared to be waiting for me, the female in the group, to volunteer to take the minutes.  So, I asked “Are you all staring at me because you think I should take the minutes?”  Silence.  Me, “Would that be because I’m the only woman in the room and we all know women usually are the minute takers?” Silence (and now they are all looking down at the table).  I proceed to tell them I can’t take the minutes and run the meeting. 

What happened next, floored me.  One of my colleagues got up from the table and said, “Wait just a minute while I find an administrative assistance on the floor who can join us to take minutes.”  Well of course, let’s don’t do a job we feel is not worthy of our skill set!  So we waited right there in the conference room until he returned with a female minute-taker!

It is worth mentioning here that the organization I worked for only had women taking minutes in any committee or board meeting.  I guess on one hand, these fellows probably thought “this is now we do things here.”  It probably never occurred to them their actions and thoughts were degrading to me and the poor administrative assistance they pulled from her desk in order to keep an accurate record of what we were saying.  Maybe, I’m being harsh and they weren’t looking at me to volunteer to take minutes but looking to me for leadership on solving the minute problem.  Maybe (and I agree) they believed not one of the 6 of us should have taken minutes as it’s difficult to do that and actively participate in the dialogue.  Maybe they were each thinking that taking an accurate account of the conversation wasn’t in the wheel house.  What do you think?  

What’s your favorite shopping mall?

LaTasha is an MBA graduate from Cornell University who is both brilliant (goes without saying given the MBA from Cornell), a very attractive African-American and avid college football fan.  She has a shyness about her that seems to double as a charismatic pull.  I had the pleasure of having her on my team for a year during which I came to know her quite well, both personally and professionally.  I was always impressed with how she analyzed problems, strategized solutions and executed in challenging situations.    

She shared with me an unfortunate experience she has a consulting firm she had previously worked for prior to attending Cornell for her MBA.  Being a new employee at the consulting firm, she, like all new employees, were sent to a day long on-boarding session that was facilitated by a male employee from Human Resources.  First order of business in the on-boarding session was introductions.  The facilitator said they would go around the room and he wanted each participant to give a bit of their professional background (position at the consulting firm, previous work experience, education highlights) and to also share who was their favorite sports team.  At this point, it’s appropriate to note that LaTasha was only one of the two females in this session out of a total of 17 new hires.  The introductions moved around the room and it became LaTasha’s turn.  She would be the first female to introduce herself.  Before she began that facilitator said, “So, Latasha, tell us about your background and instead of your favorite sports team, you can share with us your favorite shopping mall.” 

LaTasha was stunned!  She loved sports and the Crimson Tide of Alabama were her favorite.  Even more important, she didn’t care for shopping all that much!  But she followed the instructions and blurted out a mall from back home.  When she shared with me how she responded, I asked her why she didn’t correct this short-sighted instructor.  She told me she was embarrassed and just wanted this situation to end as soon as possible.  She felt she was singled-out due to her gender.   Basically, it felt like: “Wait, you can’t answer that question as that’s just for the guys.  Here’s a girl question you can answer.”  Later, she felt disappointed in herself for not speaking up.  I thought of times in the past when I did the same thing.  Instead of pointing out the insults of a particular situation, I had also just wanted it to end as quickly as possible and eliminate any further focus on me.  I didn’t want to highlight any more I was a female in a situation dominated by men.

What causes us to feel that insecure and chose silence?  Are we taught that from the beginning by parents, educators and our culture in general?   Have you had a similar experience you can share?