In the 10^th grade I was faced with the task of telling my then-boyfriend I wanted to move on.  He was a really nice guy, but he just didn’t interest me anymore.  I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and I was naïve enough to think that I could “let him down easy” and we could still be friends. (Did I mention I was naïve?) The soft approach resulted in three awkward break-up attempts before he got my message (which wasn’t very clear).  More specifically, my first two attempts didn’t involve an honest conversation.  That situation was the beginning of my understanding that clear communication works better.  As Benjamin Franklin said, “Honesty is the best policy.”

This isn’t to say that I’ve been flawless ever since in applying this understanding, but I have tried as best and bravely as I could to apply that lesson in my professional life.  I’ve had the privilege of working with countless teams and managing people for many years.  I’ve evolved and learned along the way about how to motivate people and help them find their potential.  Like parenting, I’ve made mistakes and I’ve had some pretty incredible wins.  My management style is such that I give my employees honest and respectful feedback covering both things they did well and things not so well.  I don’t give hugs when people screw up and I don’t hand out participation trophies to make people feel better.  My intentions are to help people know what works really well for them and where they should focus for improvement.  And so I’m totally clear, I’m not a coddler.  I try to be direct, clear, honest and respectful.  No more three awkward attempts when providing feedback!

At one point in my career in a one-on-one meeting with my then boss, he suggested that I should consider softening my communications.  He believed my direct communication style turned some people off.  (Actually, he may be right, but that could be people that don’t want to hear the truth!).  So I accepted his feedback and considered making changes to my approach.  As I was reflecting on this, I realized there were several of my male counterparts that were far more aggressive in their communication style than I.  In fact, one of these individuals had been a direct report of my boss for years.  I was confused.  I had witnessed first-hand conversations in meetings where these counterparts in question even bordered from aggressive to attacking!  I needed more information from my boss.

At our next one-on-one, I told him I needed to ask him some questions about that feedback previously provided.  I told him I felt I could ask him probing questions and that our relationship was such that he would give me honest answers.  So I asked, “Would you have given that same suggestion to Phil, Mark or Rex?  I’ve observed their general approach is far more direct than my own.” 

“You have a point and no, I would not give them the same feedback.”

“Is that because they are male and I’m a female.”

He pondered for a few moments and said, “Yes, that probably has an impact, but you are going to have to learn how to deal with these gender differences.”

I was impressed he was so honest with me (I prefer honesty), but I wasn’t pleased with the suggestion that I had to learn how to deal with different communication expectations based on gender.  This isn’t different expectations about how many push-ups I could do versus my male counterparts (although I think I could top several of them).  This wasn’t about different communication expectations based on my roles and responsibilities within the organization.  This was about communication and more specifically, that because I was female I needed a softer delivery.  Why? 

What I finally realized is that if I wasn’t willing to soften my communication (READ: change who I am) then I would be limiting my career opportunities at that company.  I would have to be satisfied with waiting right where I was, or worse, seeing my career slip.  In the end, I wasn’t willing to wait there.  It just wasn’t acceptable.